Here are several comments made by sports commentators that we think their authors might like to take back...
Rugby Commentator: "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."
Motor Racing commentator: "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
Weathergirl: "So Trevor, where's that eight inches you promised me last night? Oh, hell! Are we still on air?"
Becky Mantin - BBC weathergirl, the day after it was supposed to snow and didn't, to Black newsreader, Trevor McDonald
Astronomy commentator: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and it looks like he's just come in his shorts."
Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage
Golf Commentator on caddy Fanny Sunneson: "Some weeks Nick Faldo likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to play with himself."
Running commentator: "Paula has a quick look between her legs and likes what she sees."
Motor Racing commentator: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix
Cycling commentator: "And there goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing us what balls he has!"
Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
At the rowing medal awards ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?!"
FAYETTEVILLE, NC—Parishioners at the First Presbyterian Church were left stunned and in awe of His glory Sunday, when the Lord God Almighty dropped by their 11 a.m. service unannounced.
Our Father, the Almighty God, popped His all-powerful head into First Presbyterian Church Sunday.
Interrupting Pastor Terry Pridgen's sermon on His unending mercy, God appeared suddenly before His flock as an intense beam of white light, instantly dispersing the earthly forms of those seated in the first two pews. Sources said the remaining congregants had to avert their eyes from their Creator, whose booming celestial voice overwhelmed their worldly senses and humbled their hearts as He politely apologized for not calling first.
"I AM the God of Abraham, the LORD MOST HIGH, who brought you forth from the bondage of Egypt," God said unto church members, many of whom cowered in reverent fear of Him. "Thought I'd just pop in and see how things were going. Please, pretend like I'm not even here."
The Supreme Being then thanked the choir for its "lovely introduction" and took a seat to the right of the altar.
According to wholly repentant witnesses, who were scarcely able to look upon the Alpha and Omega, much less conceive of the enormity of His Might, God did not speak again for the entirety of the service, but was seen nodding approvingly during the Nicene Creed.
Attendees reportedly did not ask the One Who Made Them Flesh why He had chosen to visit their small parish, though some suspected the church's new electric organ might have had something to do with it.
"I don't think anyone knew He was coming," said churchgoer Ron Stiehl, adding that, for once, he was happy his wife dragged him to church. "At least it seemed that way when He started walking toward us and everyone was yelling their heads off like it was Judgment Day."
"Turns out the King of Kings was just making the rounds," Stiehl continued. "I thought He'd be taller."
While God did not reveal unto man a reason for His visit—nor did He, in His great wisdom, offer to pay for the six stained-glass windows that shattered from the awesome power of His presence—the Almighty sat among His followers for the last 35 minutes of the Sunday service, as well as the free coffee and pastries that followed.
Sources said that Our Father sat alone eating two cinnamon-sugar doughnuts, and was approached only once, when 5-year-old Jeremy Pacheco tried to hug the omnipotent deity. The boy's parents immediately yanked him away.
The other 112 church members avoided God entirely, and reacted to His continued stay with a mix of astonishment, confusion, fearful reverence, and the sublime inner peace that comes with the knowledge of a power greater than oneself.
"I wanted to ask the Lord what heaven is like, and if my mother is there, but I wasn't sure if it's still considered taking His name in vain when you address Him directly," Wendy Alston said. "And I didn't dare draw attention to myself with two teenagers wearing blue jeans to church. I could barely look at Him, I was so ashamed."
"Oh dear God," said 72-year-old church volunteer Michael Sharpe, completely enraptured by the materialization of the One True Creator before his very eyes. "Oh, dear God in heaven."
Since the Almighty's decision to stop by the First Presbyterian Church, the theological world has been thrown into chaos. Presbyterian leaders said God's appearance was indisputable proof that their denomination is the one true faith, but afternoon sightings of the Lord at two other Fayetteville churches, as well as one synagogue, have cast doubt on that theory.
"God said He just wanted to see what we were up to," Pastor Pridgen said. "This is His house, after all. He can drop in whenever He wants."
"Although, you'd think an all-knowing deity unbound by time and space would be able to give us some warning so we could at least put a bulletin in the church newsletter," the pastor added. "Not that I'm complaining or anything. All praise be to God. Is He still hanging around the parking lot?"
HEAVEN—Emerging from a grueling 90 minutes of cardiovascular exercise and light lifting for tone, Son of God Jesus Christ said Monday that He is "definitely on track" to achieve peak fitness condition for the Second Coming.
The Son of God spends each morning trying to attain perfect abdominal definition.
"If every eye is going to see Me, and all the tribes of earth are going to wail on account of Me, I think I owe it to them and to Myself to be in the best shape of My life," Christ said. "Right now I'm up to 35 minutes at seven [miles per hour] on the treadmill and benching about 165 [pounds]."
"I'm really starting to feel like I'll have the strength and endurance to move every mountain and island from its place," Christ added.
Since His birthday last Dec. 25, Christ has committed Himself to a demanding daily regimen of exercise and prophecy fulfillment. Each of His workouts, Christ said, starts with an hour of cardio, after which He focuses on two muscle groups, replacing conventional free weights with the Rod of Iron with which He intends to rule all nations.
On Mondays, Christ works His chest and biceps and completes three sets of 10 transfigurations. On Tuesdays, He switches to triceps and abdominals, and passes as many sets of Last Judgments as He can in a minute. Wednesdays are devoted to the back and legs, and Thursdays and Fridays are for core and flexibility.
Even Sabbaths are spent doing yoga, swimming, and basic strength-training isometrics such as push-ups, leg lifts, and chin-ups.
"There can be no day of rest," said Christ, His eyes filled with flaming fire. "Rest is for mortals."
The determined Savior has also forsworn His favorite high-calorie, high-carb foods such as fatted calf, loaves, and even His own body and blood, instead embracing muscle-building high-protein shakes and electrolyte-replacing sports drinks. And when temptation calls, Christ need only look at two pictures taped to His refrigerator: an icon of Himself prior to starting His regimen and a reproduction of Michelangelo's "Last Judgment" fresco torn from a magazine.
"The thought of being unable to seize the seven-headed serpent and hurl it into the abyss really keeps Me motivated," Christ said.
The Lamb of God said He made the decision to get in shape late last year when, after two millennia of relative inactivity, He realized that at His age there was "no way" He could return to Earth, judge the souls of the innocent and wicked alike, and reign over the Kingdom of God for 1,000 years without prior conditioning.
"The Second Coming isn't just Me sitting on a great white throne and judging away," Christ said. "I also have to make all of the stars fall and shake all the powers in Heaven. That's why I've been working a lot with the medicine ball."
Christ, however, admitted that centuries of heavenly grace had enabled Him to "really let [Himself] go."
"I can't lead the armies of Heaven looking like some flabby slob," said Christ, who declined to disclose His "before" weight. "That guy can't be the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. The faithful want a Messiah they can truly fear, not someone who's afraid to take off His shirt in public."
At first, Christ said He thought such a physical transformation would "take a miracle." During the first couple weeks of His exercise program, He couldn't work out on the treadmill for more than 10 minutes without gasping for breath and aggravating the old spear-point injury in His side. Now that He can deftly complete 20 ab-bench push-ups on the highest incline and almost as many chin-ups, Christ said, He feels more energetic than He has since His early 30s.
And not only has frequent exercise made Christ feel more healthy and confident, it's "cleared [His] head, which will really help [Him] deal with the massive amount of smiting and condemning."
Encouraged by His progress, particularly the increased definition in His pectoral and abdominal muscles, Christ is focusing all of His attention on visualizing the success of His Second Coming.
"Right now, it's all about Aug. 2," the goal-oriented Savior said. "And no matter how I look, there's no going back on this one like I did seven years ago."
A WOMAN has been slapped with an Antisocial Behaviour Order after magistrates were forced to sit through tapes of her loud love-making sessions.
Caroline Cartwright, 47, was also fined £515 after being found guilty of breaching a noise abatement notice served on her after 25 complaints to police about her marathon sex romps with husband Steve.
He escaped prosecution because he was less noisy than his more enthusiastic wife.
Their sessions were so loud that one partially-deaf neighbour of the English couple told the court she hadn't had a decent night's sleep in two years, The Sun reports.
Environmental Health placed recording equipment in the flat next door to the couple’s house in Washington, Tyne and Wear in Sunderland.
The Cartwrights’ neighbour, Rachel O’Connor pressed a button on the machine every time she was disturbed by noise from next door.
She said: “I heard sounds of a sexual nature, they were really loud, and there was a lot of moaning and groaning and screaming as if in pain.
“It wasn’t just the woman, it came from both parties.”
Ms O’Connor told the court that when she first moved in around November 2007, the noise started at midnight and lasted until 3am.
Now, she said, the noise started at about 6.30am and lasted until 9am.
Environmental Health officer Pamela Spark, told the court she had heard 23 recordings of the couple having sex.
She said: “There was an excessive screaming female voice on the recordings.
"I felt that the noise was a clear breach of the abatement notice at that level.”
Another neighbour, partially-deaf Margery Ball, said she had not had a decent night’s sleep in two years because of the Cartwrights.
A 50-year-old British woman has spent thousands on plastic surgery - to become the spitting image of her daughter.
The former size 14 redhead has overhauled herself with diet, surgery and blonde hair extensions to bridge the 22-year age gap.
Pictures of Janet Cunliffe and daughter Jane, published in Britain's Daily Mail, show they are now virtually identical - though Jane is taller.
And Janet has told the paper she is now the centre of attention after years feeling "like an old bag".
"It might sound barmy that I had cosmetic surgery to look like my daughter, but she's gorgeous," she said.
"Now instead of mum and daughter we look more like twins."
The newspaper reports that she spent £10,000 (more than $20,000) on surgery including breast enlargement and work on her eyes and nose, carried out in Croatia.
With new hair and a new wardrobe, the change was dramatic.
"The first time we went to a local wine bar, we were the centre of attention," Janet said.
"Men kept doing a double take and all night people asked if we were sisters. We both loved the attention."
Daughter Jane said she was proud of her mum's new look, and said they were now "closer than ever".
"She looks better than Madonna at 50, which is saying something."
AN Indonesian maid has appeared in a Hong Kong court accused of adding menstrual blood to her employer's food in an effort to improve their stormy relationship.
Indra Ningsih, aged 26, mixed the blood in a pot of vegetables in the belief that the recipe would help ease her difficult work environment, The Standard newspaper reported.
In some southeast Asian cultures, menstrual blood is thought to have special powers, the paper added.
The maid has been charged with one count of "administering poison or other destructive or noxious substances with intent to injure'' and has not yet entered a plea.
The report cited a prosecution statement that said Ms Ningsih's ingredient had been discovered after her female employer, surnamed Mok, peered through the kitchen door and saw the helper acting suspiciously.
She entered the kitchen and found the accused throwing something into the rubbish bin.
When she checked the pot, she found a suspicious substance mixed with the vegetables and water, the English-language daily said.
Ms Mok later discovered a used sanitary napkin in the bin and called the police.
Ms Ningsih told police Ms Mok had been unhappy with her performance since she was hired last July.
BRITAIN'S advertising watchdog has banned a poster ad for cheekily suggesting beer could increase a shy young man's confidence with women.
The poster showed a nervous looking man next to a large-bottomed woman in a new figure-hugging dress, with the slogan "Take Courage my friend" - a slogan used by makers of Courage beer in the past.
The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA) said it had received three complaints from people saying the ad implied beer could give the man confidence either to make negative comments about the woman, or to take advantage of her.
But brewer Wells and Young's, which makes Courage, said the poster featured a situation many men could relate to, and noted that the slogan echoed previous ad campaigns from the 1950s to the 1980s.
"We are very surprised by the ASA's decision regarding our Courage advertisement," said Wells and Young's marketing director Chris Lewis.
b-rad of Kununurra
"The advert depicts a very common situation which our target demographic would relate to and there is certainly no indication that our 'hero' in the advert would say anything 'negative' to his partner or 'take advantage of her'.
"Our intention through this advertising is to portray humorous everyday occurrences which Courage drinkers can relate to."
The ASA said that, while it understood the humorous intention of the advert, it breached advertising guidelines "by suggesting that the beer could increase confidence".
But Mr Lewis said: "Every man with some life experience has been in the situation where they have been asked the infamous line: 'Does my bum look big in this?' And as every man in Britain knows, the correct response is 'No!'
"It is because this is universally understood that we did not put these words on the poster."
SURPRISED surgeons performing a lung cancer operation apparently found a 5cm fir tree growing inside the patient.
The Daily Mail reports doctors thought Russian man Artyom Sidorkin, 28, had a tumour after he complained of extreme pain in his chest and had been coughing up blood.
The x-ray image shows what looks like a large tumour in his lung.
During the operation, surgeon Vladimir Kamashev said he thought he was hallucinating when he saw the fir tree needles inside the tissue.
Medical staff said the 5cm tree is too big to be swallowed and believe Mr Sidorkin had inhaled a seed which later sprouted.
“It was very painful. But to be honest I did not feel any foreign object inside me,” said Mr Sidorkin. “I’m so relieved it’s not cancer.”
A DOG'S knickers fetish almost cost him his life when he swallowed his owner's g-string over the Easter long weekend. The Northern Territory News reports the elastic on the size 10, lacy black G-string became wrapped around the intestines of Baxter, a two-year-old cavalier King Charles spaniel.
Baxter's owner, who was too embarrassed to be named, said she rushed her tiny pooch to the University Avenue Veterinary Hospital in Palmerston at 9pm on Saturday after she became concerned when the ''usual pig when it comes to food'' was refusing to eat and started vomiting.
Her fears were recognised when an X-ray revealed something was obstructing the 9.7kg spaniel's bowel and vets said if he wasn't operated on immediately he would be lucky to survive the night.
But the $2200 life-saving operation turned to hysterics in the surgery when vets found a piece of underwear was to blame for Baxter's misfortune. The dog's owner said she couldn't believe it when the vet rang her at 3am on Sunday following the surgery to say they'd found women's undies.
'When she rang back and said that it was a ladies black g-string I couldn't believe it,'' she said.
''He had 20cm of elastic all through his intestines, they had to untangle it all.
''Now we know he is okay we can have a laugh about it but he is very lucky.''
She said it was not the first time the spaniel had ran off with her underwear.
''The dog's a real guts and will eat anything,'' she said.
''He's taken off with undies before but we'd learnt not to leave them around.''